As I sit on the bed to write this soul kiss I find myself smiling and I can’t control it.  I am smiling because writing these love letters to YOU truly make me feel so warm and fuzzy on the inside.  Seriously, imagine me sitting in front of a nice crackling fire, with a cup of hot cocoa, bottle of white wine, a flannel blanket haphazardly tossed across my legs all wrapped with a hearty smile on my face as it’s the night before Christmas.  This is not what the picture looks like in real like… but on the INSIDE it’s how I feel LOL Just cozy and toasty.   I have missed this….  I have missed you.

Actually… to be quite honest, I have missed myself.

About ten days ago I wrote a Soul Kiss that spoke about being worthy of the prayers we seek.  I was so FIRED UP about that post and I was all gun-ho about elaborating in further detail as to exactly what it means to be equal to that which you desire.  I had every intention of writing that bloody post.

But then I received some terrible news while at my favorite job.  Doesn’t it suck to no END when you receive terrible news at work????? You want to run outside, be alone, scream if you if that’s what you feel.. but you’re at WORK preventing all of that expression.  You want to address the situation head on, even if that’s only on an emotional level but you can’t because you have responsibilities and obligations… and people are looking at you and relying on you to deliver!  It’s so awful because I am not one of those people that can hold anything in….

Needless to say, this is what happened to me at work about ten days ago.  I wrapped up what I had to do as quickly as possible because I was so caught off guard… so taken aback all I wanted to do was to stop smiling at everyone like everything was okay… run out of the building …. so I could cry.  And this is exactly what happened while I walked on the streets of Manhattan.  I cried.  I mean the UGLY cry that is typically reserved for those moments when you’re at home, in your bedroom, with the door closed and the lights off type of cry.

I cried freely.  I cried unapologetically and this continued in waves for days.  As I sit here with tremendous gratitude in my heart for this moment of clarity and peace, I am so thankful God gave me a friend named Lou Lou Love that helped me through.  I am so grateful that God gave me this friend nearly 3 years ago to help me pick myself up from this anguish I was in.

Though I have been absent, please know that I wanted to write something inspirational.

I wanted to send love and positivity but I thought, how could I writing something uplifting to others when I am literally falling to pieces.  Everything that anchored me suddenly felt shaky and yes, I am talking about my faith in myself and dare I even say it…. in God.

That’s HUGE!  I have never doubted that God loved me but here I was in this pit of despair feeling like God didn’t love me.   Never in my life have I ever thought such a thing but suddenly this thought was knocking on my brain and since my energy was so low – I started to believe it. What a painful place to be??? Do you know how lonely it is to live a day.. an hour.. a minute thinking the God doesn’t love you?  It’s what I imagine hell to be like.

Soooo, how could I sit down and write YOU the TRUTH when I was so far away from it mentally?  How could I pour out my heart and shake you with love and tenderness that God DELIGHTS in you when I felt so hurt, disappointed and sad?  On top of feeling disconnected from God, I questioned my own common sense and intuition.  I wanted to write but I thought how could this broken person tell someone else to listen to their gut and honor their Higher Self when I was telling mine to leave me alone? LOL I laugh because I am such a brat that this actually happens…. it’s so ridiculous LOL.

Every day my friend, my Spiritual Doula, Lou Lou Love would PATIENTLY deliver the same message that the enemy is using this moment of heartache to distract me from my assignment to serve others.  She would kindly remind me to write a Soul Kiss and I would just continue to wallow in this negative thinking.  *Imagine me sitting on the floor literally rubbing the poop on my face not attempting to get up… just smearing the POOP.. with a spatula.. crying with my mouth wide open*  This is my visual … LOL Just being an absolute two-year old.

It is only recently that I learned about the tactics of the enemy; which are to Distract, Destroy and to DECEIVE!  This is the first time in my life where I can consciously say that this is what has been happening… God doesn’t love me? Where in the WORLD would I get such an IDEA? I stopped writing Soul Kisses because I was DISTRACTED by this awful thought and it proceeded to DESTROY my SOUL!

Gosh… I was almost swallowed whole and I am not being fluffy here.  Literally… being eaten alive… Just ask Lou Lou Love… LOL

In the Bible it says to, “Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of suffering.” 1 Peter 5:8-9

When you have important Lightwork to do it is so important to remain strong.  When we are weakened in heart or mind, we are more susceptible to danger because we are the messengers the the Truth… we are the Light of the World.  In the darkness I learned how true this really is…. and it has empowered me even MORE to keep going… I must be on the right path.

So I do hope you forgive me for my absence… I was just going through it.  Now, for the sake of transparency I will just share what made my knees buckle surrounds a man I thought God said I was going to marry.  Dang it.. it’s always a man right??? JEEZ LOUISE!  My greatest lessons in life have come from the men I have loved… (which has not been many btw LOL).

Now that I am almost on the other side of this I am feeling okay… at peace… because where there is tremendous pain there is always an even greater resurrection or a rebirth… and for some reason, I really only feel significant pain when it comes to my heart strings.

Thank you for being here.  Thank you for the love.  I pray you have been well and HOLDING ON….

Put on your full armor and continue to shine your Light.

“For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8: 38-39

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Tamala Baldwin

We are all born with incredible gifts and my purpose is to help as many along this journey of mine to remember their position of honor and royalty through inspirational, Christian-based media.
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